No Grave
by CellarDoor1
Summary: Harry has been on a downward spiral all summer...and none of his friends can get close enough to help him. Sixth year starts off with a few surprises. Order of the Phoenix spoilers. Rated PG-13for naughty words and drug use.
1. The downward spiral

An earsplitting howl erupted around Harry as he sat on the floor next to his bed.  

_Oh Lord, don't set my fields on fire_

_Oh God, don't kindle your wrath against me_

_Against me_

_I know you feast on fire…_

His lips formed a bitter smile as Harry lifted the bottle to his lips.  He took a large swallow and leaned back against the bed.  The massive stereo in the corner of the room continued to blast the room with its loud, comforting despair.

_I got a wife; I got a family in those fields_

_ I believe in my mother's religion_

_ And I will, and I will change_

_We got to church; we go to church on Sunday_

_And we're back drinking, _

_Drinking on Monday…_

Harry closed his eyes and let the bottle fall from his hand.  He thought about the summer.  After Siri... After Sirius died, and Harry was sent back to the Dursley's, he lost it.  The black depression finally claimed him.  He had needed to find a way out.  Harry snuck to Diagon Alley that first week and took a chunk of his inheritance out of his vault.  It was amazing how much Muggle-money he could get for a couple thousand galleons. 

_We got by in the past_

_But what about tomorrow?_

_Oh Lord I got a life in those fields,_

_Don't set my fields,_

_Don't set my fields on fire…_

He bought that huge stereo, and some music that to him sounded like it would fit his mood perfectly.  Harry looked for any way out.  He had tried suicide, but the slashes on his wrists kept magically closing.  He tried taking a couple handfuls of trazodone, but his stomach would not accept them.  So he finally settled on being really fucking ripped...all the time.  

_With my anointing waits, _

_It waits in those fields,_

_And if it was true yesterday,_

_Then it's true today_

_Today _

Surprisingly, Dudley was really useful here.  The fat bastard had more contacts in the city than Harry could have ever thought possible.  And, since Harry was now technically a millionaire in Muggle terms, he could afford whatever he wanted.  He lifted his bong and took a hit.  He looked down at the bowl.

"Damn...cashed," he muttered.

_Oh Lord, Don't set my fields on fire_

_Oh God, give me one more day..._

He got up to find a cigarette and change the cd.  He took the Murder City Devils out and decided on some AFI.  He threw the Art of Drowning in and hit the shuffle button.  "Wester" immediately started up.  Harry lit a cigarette and moved to the window. 

_I can feel you waiting for me as the sun retreats to the hills and I,  
beneath the blanket of a burning sky, wrap myself within.  
Embraced by dead leaves as the rain leaves trails of black down my face,  
  
_

"Goddamnit," he swore to himself.  "I thought they'd have figured it out by now! I don't want to talk to any of them!"

_I creep through the twilight to that  
hidden place beyond the lonely.  
I'll meet you tonight in the whispers when no one's around.  
Nothing can stop us now.  
  
_

Hedwig began tapping at the window and he let her in.  She nipped at his ear affectionately, but he brushed her off.  

_Tonight in the whispers where we won't be found.  
I can feel you dreaming of me and the time when our steps are retraced…  
  
_

"Who's it from?  Hermione? Fucking hell..." 

_And I creep through the twilight to that hidden place,  
beyond the lonely, I'll meet you.  
  
___

He took the letter from Hedwig and grabbed his lighter.  He flicked it once and a pale flame shot up and started licking the bone-dry parchment.  Within seconds the majority of it was reduced to ashes.  Harry flicked his cigarette out the window and tossed the last bit of the parchment out with it.  Harry slammed the window down and turned away, stumbling his way back to the bed.

_Beneath a dream, lost in a dream tonight.  
Smile.  
  
_

The scrap of letter floated on the wind as the moonlight bathed the four words written on it in silver…

_I love you, Harry___


	2. Dead eyes

            Hermione sat in her room and looked at the letter she had just finished to Harry.  

            _Dear Harry,_

_                        I don't know if you've read any of the letters I have sent you.  I hope that you have, and that you're not mad at me about anything.  I know you are going through the darkest part of your life right now and I want you to know that I am here for you.  I hope you are going back to school tomorrow.  I pray that you are going back to school tomorrow.  Harry, I don't know what I would do without you.  I will always be here Harry.  I will always wait for you.  I found a song that fit how I'm feeling right now perfectly, and I've written down some of the lyrics.  I hope it touches you as much as it touched me._

_I wish there was something I could say  
to erase each and every page  
you've been through  
even though it's not my place to save you_

_appreciate but cant accept this thank you note  
that's sealed with your last breath  
and I won't stand aside  
and listen to you give up  
   
These arms remain stretched out to you  
maybe someday you'll accept them  
maybe its too late to save a young girls heart that slowly stopped beating   
(maybe)   
if you'll just hold on for one more second  
just hold on to what you have_

_It is my place to save you Harry.  It's my place because, well, I love you, Harry. Please hold on, please hold on for me._

_                                                                        Love,_

_                                                                                    Hermione_

            Hermione attached the letter to Hedwig's leg.  She ruffled the Snow Owl's feathers.  The owl looked at her sadly.

"I know that he won't read this, but please Hedwig, take it to him anyways," she said softly.  

            Hedwig hooted, turned and flew out the window.  Hermione stared after the owl, a tear slowly coursing its way down her cheek.

            Platform 9 ¾ was as busy as always.  Harry had gotten there several hours early, to make sure that he got a compartment all by himself.  He idly fingered his new prefects badge and put a locking spell on the door to his compartment.  Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out a blunt.  He lit the end and sat there quietly taking hits, until he realized the train was moving.  He opened the window a little and threw the roach out, then sat back in his seat and lit up a cigarette, turning on his cd player.  As the music began pounding, he stared out the window at the passing countryside, waiting for the train to reach its destination.

            Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna all shared a compartment.  The five knew that Harry was somewhere on the train.  Hermione could sense it, but they decided to let their friend have his distance.  So they tried to chat, but a silence soon settled among the companions.

"That's it!" Hermione yelled.  "I'm going to go fucking find him! I'm tired of all this bullshit! He will talk to us and he will sit with us and he will be happy and our friends again!  I can't take it anymore," she sobbed.

Hermione threw open the door to the train and ran down the hallway, throwing open every door as she went.  She finally came upon the last door.  She tried to open it but to no avail.  She tried to unlock it with a few charms, but that also didn't work.  She knew Harry was in there though.  She just knew it!  He had to be in there!

"Harry!" She screamed.  "I know you're in there!  Open up!"

            A cruel laugh interrupted her tirade.  Malfoy was standing behind her, flanked by his goons, Crabbe and Goyle.  His cold eyes mocked her, as his face contorted into a sneer.  

"So, Potty has locked all his friends out of his life, eh Mudblood?  Finally came to his senses and got rid of the…trash… that was always hanging about?  Good…That makes my job that much easier…"

Malfoy was interrupted by the food-cart witch.  She paused between them and sniffed the air.  An alarmed look crossed her face and she turned on them.

"What's burning?  Is there something burning in that compartment?" She demanded.

Malfoy and Hermione looked at her with blank faces, but the little old witch had turned to the door and begun pounding on it.

"Are you burning something in there?  Open up!  Are you ok?" She called.

            The door slowly opened.  Harry stood there, a cigarette hanging from his lips.  He took one last drag on it, then dropped it and stepped on it, slowly grinding it out.

            The little old witch looked at him in shock.  Children should not be smoking on the train, or at all in Hogwarts.  She seemed about to say something, then looked in Harry's eyes and decided to swallow it.  She turned and hurried down the hall.

            Malfoy looked at him with a sneer and turned and walked back into his compartment, his goons following.

            Hermione stared at Harry.  _I can't believe how big he's grown…He must be at least eight inches taller than me and twice as broad.  But he's smoking?  And what's that other smell about him?  It almost smells like…marijuana?  What? And his eyes are…oh Jesus…His eyes are so dead…There's nothing in those eyes…The eyes that I… that I love._

            Harry looked at her, and then brushed on by.  He walked to the doors to the train, and watched as it pulled into the Hogsmeade station.  The train stopped and Harry was first to exit, stopping only long enough to light up another smoke.  He ignored the carriages with drawn by the thestrals and ignored Hagrid's shout of "Yeh al' right 'Arry?" and slowly made his way towards the castle, taking a little drag with every other step.


	3. Peering into the depths

Harry stared up at Hogwarts, as Guns N Roses blasted through his skull.  All the other students had gotten to the school ahead of him, and the sorting ceremony was already underway.  He could hear the muted song of the Sorting Hat underneath the roar of his music. 

_Welcome to the jungle  
We've got fun 'n' games  
We got everything you want_

Harry lit up another Lucky Strike and walked up to the doors.  He rested his head against the massive doors, feeling the cold seep into his brain.  He took a drag and opened them.

_Whatever you may need  
If you got the money, honey  
We got your disease_

He entered Great Hall and the room hushed.  Even the Sorting Hat was silent, pausing in the middle of shouting "Gryffindor".  All eyes turned to him.  Harry took a last drag on his cigarette, butted it, and made his way to the Gryffindor table.  Dumbledore looked at him a second over his spectacles, then made a slight gesture, indicating to the Hat to proceed.

_In the jungle  
Welcome to the jungle  
Watch it bring you to your  
knees, knees  
I wanna watch you bleed_

Harry ignored everyone as Dumbledore spoke a few words, the usual speech.  Food appeared on the table and everyone dug in like a starving dog, except Harry and Hermione.  Harry slowly filled his plate and sat eating slowly, while Hermione watched him sadly.  

_Welcome to the jungle  
We take it day by day  
If you want it you're gonna bleed  
But it's the price you pay_

Seamus poked Harry and gestured towards the Teacher's table. Dumbledore motioned Harry over.  Harry got up, ripped off his headphones, and slowly walked over to Dumbledore.  Dumbledore got up and Harry followed him.  He followed the Headmaster to his office.  Harry lit up another cigarette while Dumbledore walked around his desk and sat down. The pictures on the wall all started to whisper to each other.  Harry could hear snippets of the gossip.

"That boy is smoking!"  

"I bet Dumbledore is going to expel him…"

"Isn't that Potter?"

"He was such a nice boy…I wonder what happened…?"

            Dumbledore looked around at them and they immediately hushed.  He seemed to start to speak, then stopped and folded his hands together on the desk.  He tried again.

"Harry, as you know, you have been made a prefect this year…that means you will have your own room."  

Harry nodded, and took a drag.

"I made you a prefect in name only…you don't have to do any of the prefect's duties if you do not wish too, but I thought that in light of the events that happened last year, that you would feel more comfortable if you had your own room," he explained.

Harry nodded again, taking another drag.

"Well, I will let you go…" he trailed off.

Harry got up to leave, but was interrupted by Dumbledore's voice.

"Harry, if you need someone to talk to…you know I'm always here…"

Harry looked at him and smiled bitterly, then wordlessly left the room.  Dumbledore stared at the door for a long time, finally shaking his head.

"What have I done…?" he murmured.

            Harry made his way to his room and locked the door.  He opened his trunk and took out his bong, Gravitron.  He loaded a bowl and started smoking.  After he cashed it, he began to unpack.  The first thing he did was set up his stereo.  He loaded in a couple cds and hit shuffle.  As the first chords of a Misfits song started pounding, Harry took out the couch he had shrunk and turned it back to normal.  He plopped down and opened up his Advanced Transfiguration book and started reading.
    
    _1, 2, 3, 4_
    
    _Singled out the kids who are mean to me_
    
    _Get straight A's but they still make fun_
    
    _I don't give a..., I'll laugh last_

He didn't look up as someone pounded on his door, nor at Hermione's tearful words yelled through the door.  Harry turned to the chapter on Animagi and started reading.
    
    _Stayed in every night_
    
    _Do my homework so I'll be smart_
    
    _Girls all say I'm a little fucked_

Harry smiled at the lengthy instructions for becoming an Animagus.  

"This is going to be easier than I thought…" he said to himself.  

Harry got up to grab a cigarette then engrossed himself in his reading once more.
    
    _Mommy I'm a good boy_
    
    _Mommy I'm a fuckin' savior_
    
    _Mommy I'm alive_

            As the Misfits pounded in Harry's room, it spread through the walls to engulf the common room.  Hermione collapsed into a chair next to Ron and started crying.  He looked over at her.  
    
    _Mommy, can I go out and kill tonight_
    
    _Rip the veins from human necks_
    
    _Until they're wet with life_
    
    _Razor-blades love teenage flesh_
    
    _An epidermoty_
    
    _I'll bring back a souvenir_
    
    _For it's my mommy's dream_

"Hermione, he'll come around when he wants too.  He always does, just leave him alone for a while," Ron stated.

"Maybe your content with letting him be this way, Ronald Weasly, but I am not!  I will not let him be this way to us!  I lo- he's my best friend too!" she sobbed.

Ron looked at her strangely, and said, "What did you say?  Did you say that you loved him?  Hermione, if you love him, then you should leave him alone all the more.  If you really loved him, you wouldn't try to change him into the person you want and remember.  You either will love him the way he is now and support him in whatever decision he makes…not try to change him to what YOU want!"

Ron got up and walked towards the stairs.  Ginny met him there.  She looked at Ron, and said, "Want to go talk to Harry with me?"

"Nah, Ginny, you stay here, I'm going to go talk to him.'

She nodded, "Ok, but tell him that I want to talk to him later, ok?"

Ron nodded and started to climb the stairs.

            Meanwhile, back into the common room, Hermione, her tears dried, stared into the flames.  She would not move for the next few hours.
    
    _Can I go out and kill tonight, kill tonight_
    
    _Kill tonight, kill tonight, kill tonight, kill tonight_

_Kill tonight, kill tonight?_


End file.
